A study in Scotland
showed that the
kind of "male
face" a woman
finds attractive
can differ depending
on where a woman
is in her menstrual
cycle. For instance,
if she is ovulating
she is attracted
to men with rugged,
masculine features,
and if she is
menstruating she
is more prone
to be attracted
to a man with
scissors shoved
in his temple.
This
is how lotteries
really work: A
man moved to Texas
and bought a donkey
from an old farmer
for $100. The
farmer agreed
to deliver the
donkey the next
day. Come morning,
the farmer drove
up and said, "Sorry,
but I got some
bad news. The
donkey died."
"Well then, just
give me my money
back." "Can't
do that. I went
and spent it already."
"OK then, just
unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna
do with em." "I'm
gonna raffle him
off." "Ya can't
raffle off a dead
donkey!" "Sure
I can. Watch me.
I just won't tell
anyone he's dead."
A month later
the farmer met
up with the guy
and asked, "What
happened with
the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him
off. I sold 500
tickets at $2.00
apiece and made
a profit of $898."
"Didn't no one
complain?" "Just
the guy who won.
So I gave him
his $2.00 back."
Q:What
is the name of
the fairy tale
about a woman
who uses her premium
charge card to
purchase aspirin
for herself and
two friends?
A:Gold Deluxe
and the three
Bayers
The
Moody Blues are
on tour again.
You can tell the
band has aged
and times have
changed. Their
groupies still
get them drugs.
But now the drug
of choice is Viagra
and there's a
$10 co-pay.Contributed
by Tim Olivera
DOG
OR DAWG? To all
you dog lovers
out there and
those who understand
the difference
between City Folk
and Country Folk...
A Translation
Of City Dogs To
Country Dawgs
(City) German
Shepherd Dog
(Country) Poh-leece
Dawg
(City) Poodle
(Country) Circus
Dawg
(City) St. Bernard
(Country) "Thank
Gawd, Here Comes
The Whiskey Dawg"
(City) Doberman
Pinscher
(Country-2 versions)
Bad Dawg, or Dobimin
Pinches
(City) Beagle
(Country) Rabbit
Dawg
(City) Rottweiler
(Country) Bad
Dawg AND Mean
As Heck Dawg.
Good dawg to guard
the still.
(City) Yellow
Lab
(Country) Ol'
Yeller Dawg
(City) Black Lab
(Country) Duck
fetchin' Dawg
(City) Greyhound
(Country) Greased
Lightnin' Dawg
(City) Malinois
(Country) Another
kind of Poh-leece
Dawg
(City) Blue Ticks,
Red Bones, etc.
(Country) Prize
Coon Dawgs
(City) Pekinese
(Country) Mop
Dawg
(City) Chinese
Crested
(Country) Nekkid
Dawg
(City) Dachshund
(Country) Wienie
Dawg
(City) Siberian
Husky
(Country) Sled-Pullin'
Dawg
(City) Bouvier,
Komondor
(Country) "What
The Heck Kinda
Dawg Is That?"
(City) Great Dane,
Mastiff
(Country) Danged
BIG Dawg
(City) Any dog
that raids the
hen house
(Country) Egg-Suckin'
Dawg
(City) Any lazy
dog
(Country) Good
fer nothin' Dawg
(City) Any dog
that's dead &
buried & gone
to Rainbow Bridge
(Country) Best
danged Dawg I
ever had
The
following is a
courtroom exchange
between a defence
attorney and a
farmer with a
bodily injury
claim. It came
from a Houston,
Texas insurance
agent.
Attorney: "At
the scene of the
accident, did
you tell the constable
you had never
felt better in
your life?"
Farmer: "That's
right."
Attorney: "Well,
then, how is it
that you are now
claiming you were
seriously injured
when the defendant's
car hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When
the constable
arrived, he went
over to my horse,
who had a broken
leg, and shot
him. Then he went
over to Rover,
my dog, who was
all banged up,
and shot him.
When he asked
me how *I* felt,
I just thought
under the circumstances,
it was a wise
choice of words
to say I've never
felt better in
my life.
Once
there were two
old buddies, Sid
and Irving, who
were living in
a rest home. One
day, they were
playing gin rummy,
and Irving said,
"Tomorrow's
my birthday. I'll
bet you can't
guess how old
I'll be."
I'll bet you I
can, "Sid
said." "As
a matter of fact,
I can look at
the wrinkles on
your body and
tell you exactly
how old you are."
"There's
no way you can
tell with me."
Irving scoffed.
"Twenty buck
says you can't
guess how old
I am." "You're
on," Sid
said, "Now
take off your
shirt." Irving
took off his shirt,
and Sid walked
around him, inspecting
the wrinkles on
his chest and
back. Sid ordered,
"Now take
off your pants,"
Irving took off
his pants. "And
your underwear."
Irving stood naked.
"Now bend
over and touch
your toes,"
Sid said. "And
don't move."
Irving bent all
the way over,
Sid walked behind
Irving and said,
"You're 94
years old,"
"That's amazing!"
Irving said. "How
could you tell?
You told me yesterday.
A
woman who worked
for the Postal
Service delivering
next-day packages
was making her
rounds in suburbs
one afternoon.
She arrived at
a surgeon's home
with an Express
Mail package and
rang the doorbell.
The doctor's 4
year-old daughter
answered the door.
"Is Dr. Bedford
at home?"
the woman asked.
"Not right
now," the
little girl replied
with a big smile,
"He's performing
an appendectomy.
"The woman
leaned down and
said. "that's
a mighty big word
for a little girl
like you. do you
know what it means?"
"Yeah"
the little girl
answered triumphantly.
"About six
thousand bucks,
not counting the
anesthesiologist."
A
society matron
hired two men
to do some yard
work on her Pasadena
estate. She instructed
them to rake the
leaves, trim the
hedges, water
the garden and
mow the lawn.
While they were
working outside,
she was holding
a bridge party
in the living
room. A guest
looked out the
picture window
and saw one man
raking and the
other performing
majestic leaps
and spirals in
the air. "Hey
look at that!"
she exclaimed.
"What a wonderful
gymnast."
another lady said,
"I'll pay
him $500 to perform
at my aerobics
class." The
hostess asked
the fellow raking
is he thought
his friend would
like the job.
"Hey, Fred."
the guy yelled
at his partner.
"Do you think
for $500 you could
step on that rake
one more time?"
A
young couple who
were about to
be married were
looking through
a house Which
was located in
the country. After
satisfying themselves
that the House
was suitable,
the young girl
seemed very quiet
and thoughtful
and When her young
man inquired about
her silence, she
replied--"you
know, I
Have not seen
the wc (water
closet or toilet).
The young man
replied, "by
Gosh! I haven't
either."
So they wrote
to the real estate
agent asking For
the location of
the w.c. The agent
did not know the
meaning of wc
and he assumed
it meant the Wayland
church, and replied
as follows:
Dear sir:--pardon
my delay in answering
your letter. It
was a pleasure
to show you the
house, and I hope
you like it. The
wc to which you
refer is located
9 miles from the
house, and has
a seating capacity
of 500 people.
This is perhaps
unfortunate if
you are in the
habit of going
regularly, but
you will be glad
to know that many
people take their
lunch and stay
all day. Those
who are troubled
within accordingly
feel the need
of a cleansing
at the mercy seat.
Those who are
in a hurry go
by train and arrive
for the opening
services. It was
at the wc that
I met the girl
who is now my
wife. Previous
to that time,
I often sat and
meditated until
a sense of emptiness
came over me.
That was six years
ago, and last
time we attended,
we had to stand
all the time.
If you should
decide to buy
the house, I am
sure that you
will find the
wc a satisfying
sense of relief.
The seats are
numerous and there
is a strong sense
of familiarity
about the place.
It may interest
you to know that
a benefit bazaar
will be held shortly
for the purpose
of furnishing
plush seats, the
members feel their
ends will be better
served by making
the place more
comfortable. In
closing, may I
mention that it
pains me not to
go more often
than I do.
Yours truly,
Harry Scrachit
of the Peekingtom
Real Estate Company
This
grandfather moved
out into the country.
The grandson wanted
to see how Grandpa
lived so he went
to visit.
When they sat
down to eat the
dishes were not
very clean so
the Grandson asked
Grandpa if he
realized the dishes
were not too clean.
The Grandfather
said "Well
Grandson, I live
in the country
and cold water
don't get the
dishes too clean."
At the second
meal the Grandson
saw the dishes
STILL were not
very clean. The
Grandson asked
about this again
because he was
beginning to think
that perhaps Grandfather
did not SEE well
enough to clean
the dishes well.
Again though Grandfather
said "Well
Grandson, I live
in the country
and cold water
don't get the
dishes too clean."
Later on that
day when the grandson
went outside Grandpa's
dog wanted to
play with the
Grandson and charged
up to him and
knocked the Grandson
down in the mud.
The Grandson was
quite annoyed
but the more that
he tried to push
the dog off of
him the more the
dog thought it
was a game and
kept playing with
him and licking
him.
The Grandfather
came to the door
just as the Grandson
finally got the
playing and licking
dog off of him.
The Grandson started
to stand up and
Grandfather yells
at the dog "Coldwater
you better get
the mud licked
off of my Grandson
better than THAT."
More
of life's mysteries
explained: Contributed
by T.S.
Bolton
1.
Give a person
a fish and you
feed them for
a day; teach that
person to use
the Internet and
they won't bother
you for weeks.
2.
Some people are
like Slinkies
. . . not really
good for anything,
but you still
can't help but
smile when you
see one tumble
down the stairs.
3.
I read recipes
the same way I
read science fiction.
I get to the end
and I think, "Well,
that's not going
to happen."
4.
Health nuts are
going to feel
stupid someday,
lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
5.
The other night
I ate at a real
family restaurant.
Every table had
an argument going.
6.
Have you noticed
since everyone
has a camcorder
these days no
one talks about
seeing UFOs like
they used to.
7.
According to a
recent survey,
men say the first
thing they notice
about a woman
is their eyes,
and women say
the first thing
they notice about
men is they're
a bunch of liars.
8.
Whenever I feel
blue, I start
breathing again.
9.
All of us could
take a lesson
from the weather.
It pays no attention
to criticism.
10.
Have you noticed
that a slight
tax increase costs
you two hundred
dollars and a
substantial tax
cut saves you
thirty cents?
11.
In the 60's people
took acid to make
the world weird.
Now the world
is weird and people
take Prozac to
make it normal.
12.
Politics is supposed
to be the second
oldest profession.
I have come to
realize that it
bears a very close
resemblance to
the first.
13.
There is a theory
which states that
if ever anybody
discovers exactly
what the Universe
is for and why
it is here, it
will instantly
disappear and
be replaced by
something even
more bizarre and
inexplicable.
There is another
theory which states
that this has
already happened.
14.
How is it one
careless match
can start a forest
fire, but it takes
a whole box to
start a campfire?
15.
You read about
all these terrorists-most
of them came here
legally, but they
hung around on
these expired
visas, some for
as long as 10-15
years. Now, compare
that to Blockbuster:
you're two days
late with a video
and those people
are all over you.
Let's put Blockbuster
in charge of immigration.
A
farmer had about
200 hens, when
his old rooster
finally died.
So, he went down
the road to his
neighboring farmer
and asked if he
had a rooster
that he would
be willing to
sell. The other
farmer said, "Yeah,
I've got this
neat rooster,
named Kenny. He'll
service every
hen you got, no
problem."
Well, Kenny the
rooster cost a
lot of money,
but the farmer
decided he'd be
worth it. So,
he bought Kenny.
The
farmer took Kenny
home and set him
down in the barnyard,
first, giving
the rooster a
pep talk, "I
want you to pace
yourself now,
Kenny, you've
got a lot of hens
to service here,
and you cost me
a lot of money.
Consequently,
I'll need you
to do a good job.
So, take your
time and have
some fun,"
the farmer said,
with a chuckle.
Kenny
seemed to understand,
so the farmer
pointed toward
the hen house
and Kenny took
off like a shot.
WHAM!- Kenny nailed
every hen in the
hen house three
or four times,
and the farmer
was really shocked.
After that the
farmer heard a
commotion in the
duck pen, sure
enough, Kenny
was in there.
Later, the farmer
saw Kenny after
a flock of geese,
down by the lake.
Once again -WHAM!
He got all the
geese. By sunset
he saw Kenny out
in the fields
chasing quail
and pheasants.
The
farmer was distraught
and worried that
his expensive
rooster wouldn't
even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the
farmer awoke the
next morning only
to find Kenny
on his back, feet
in the air, stone
still in the middle
of the yard, vultures
circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened
by the loss of
such a colorful
and expensive
animal, shook
his head and said,
"Oh, Kenny,
I told you to
pace yourself.
I tried to get
you to slow down,
now look what
you've done to
yourself!"
Kenny
opened one eye,
nodded toward
the buzzards circling
in the sky and
said, "Shhh,
they're getting
closer."
Contributed
by T.S.
Bolton
